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Member at Large Saves Man From Fall

Sam "Salami" Moretti bigmember at large, saved a man from certain death last Friday afternoon. While washing windows on a newly erected building, a man (who did not want to be identified) lost his grip and slid to the building ledge where he remained hanging for some period of time. According to several eyewitnesses, Moretti, thinking quickly, unable to reach the ropes or safety equipment...... unzipped his fly and released his monstrous manhood. Moretti dangled in such a manner that the fallen man could grasp the extended appendage for dear life. The man was quoted shortly after the incident exclaiming, "I swunga lika a ze tarzana from ze vine from one ledgea to ze other ledgea to make it to da safety. If it weren't for Mr. Moretti's large pepperoni sticka and quicka actions, I woulda be dead!" Several witnesses clarified to the gentleman that the rescue organ was not a pepperoni stick. Moretti was unavailable for comment at Park Side General Hospital where he is being treated for bruises related to extensive member stretch.

*Disclaimer: Please do not attempt this maneuver at home. Mr. Moretti is a gold medallist in the Schlong Olympics for the member truck tow. He is also in the book of records for having the strongest member known to man.


Foreign Dignitaries Arrive at Member Summit

It was a star, politician filled, exciting day in Rimalot, Georgia as 33 foreign representatives of various world wide Member coalitions converged to discuss the ways of unifying hard-line Member groups into the World Member Council. The World Member Council (Whimmick) was formed in 1998 as a Multi-Member group of similarly engorged egalitarians. The hard-liners, have repeatedly refused to string together their ideals with the long envisioned goal of Whimmick. Examples of the hard-liners include New Zealand's Organ Club, Aruba Alliance of Aghibatis (Members in Aruban) and the sometimes violent radical Member group, the Chicaluvdeez Rods Uzbekistan (CRU). Security is tight, and there are long lines as Member Police examine all entrance points. Gene Spasiocity, bigmember foreign council, reported on the event to CIN, CMBC and CMSBC. "It was a beautiful example of reaching out with long extensions into other communities to unite and come together in one big group." Although small skirmishes were reported on the outskirts of Rimalot, only 4 arrests were reported inside the amphitheater. One man was detained for carrying a motorized device, strictly against Whimmick policy. Celebrity citing at the joint meeting include Rafael Blimpston (Pole Boy 1996), Demly Phornikaton (King of the Stud Muffins), and Sheila Duya (1998 Clerical Worker for bigmembers).

The bigmember Band Tour Starts in Seattle

Johnnie Tubular, Ronny Bottlebrush, Vin Headly and Carl Toolio head out from their Palm Beach enclave March 30th to start their whirlwind tour of the U.S. and Canada. Formed in the early 90's under the original name of the "Mutant Fledglings," The Bigmember Band is now a highly respected group of artists among the pop scene today. Lead singer and spokesman Tubular stated "We are gonna give this tour all we got so our music penetrates deep into the inner circles of all the youths of America!" Tubular, born Jim Dorthener in Saratoga, NY, was once taken under the wing of the noted blues guitarist Arnie Arnenston. Arnenston died in a mini-helicopter accident in 1975, when he accidentally flew the helicopter into his left temple. Tubular and his group are known for a style that rises to levels beyond grunge, but also have a large, hefty beat. Sometimes referred to as Bag Rock by their fans, their music has been seen on movie soundtracks and on TV commercials during the last year. Their first gig of the tour will be at the "Telephone Pole Lounge" in Reno the night of March 30th. Tubular stated that "...we will be playing all our hits, including the wild rambling ballad that has been topping the charts for 10 weeks...'My Timmy is your Timmy.'" Tickets go on sale next week for 33.33 ea., and there will be a limit of 2 per person. A bigmember certificate
will allow the individual to purchase 4. Proof of pole over 10 inches will gain free entrance as usual at
bigmember sanctioned events.