Member at
Large Saves Man From Fall
Sam "Salami"
Moretti bigmember
at large, saved a man from certain death last Friday afternoon.
While washing windows on a newly erected building, a man (who
did not want to be identified) lost his grip and slid to the building
ledge where he remained hanging for some period of time. According
to several eyewitnesses, Moretti, thinking quickly, unable to
reach the ropes or safety equipment...... unzipped his fly and
released his monstrous manhood. Moretti dangled in such a manner
that the fallen man could grasp the extended appendage for dear
life. The man was quoted shortly after the incident exclaiming,
"I swunga lika a ze tarzana from ze vine from one ledgea
to ze other ledgea to make it to da safety. If it weren't for
Mr. Moretti's large pepperoni sticka and quicka actions, I woulda
be dead!" Several witnesses clarified to the gentleman that
the rescue organ was not a pepperoni stick. Moretti was unavailable
for comment at Park Side General Hospital where he is being treated
for bruises related to extensive member stretch.
*Disclaimer:
Please do not attempt this maneuver at home. Mr. Moretti is a
gold medallist in the Schlong Olympics for the member truck tow.
He is also in the book of records for having the strongest member
known to man.
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Foreign
Dignitaries Arrive at Member Summit
It was a star,
politician filled, exciting day in Rimalot, Georgia as 33 foreign
representatives of various world wide Member coalitions converged
to discuss the ways of unifying hard-line Member groups into the
World Member Council. The World Member Council (Whimmick) was formed
in 1998 as a Multi-Member group of similarly engorged egalitarians.
The hard-liners, have repeatedly refused to string together their
ideals with the long envisioned goal of Whimmick. Examples of the
hard-liners include New Zealand's Organ Club, Aruba Alliance of
Aghibatis (Members in Aruban) and the sometimes violent radical
Member group, the Chicaluvdeez Rods Uzbekistan (CRU). Security is
tight, and there are long lines as Member Police examine all entrance
points. Gene Spasiocity, bigmember
foreign council, reported on the event to CIN, CMBC and CMSBC. "It
was a beautiful example of reaching out with long extensions into
other communities to unite and come together in one big group."
Although small skirmishes were reported on the outskirts of Rimalot,
only 4 arrests were reported inside the amphitheater. One man was
detained for carrying a motorized device, strictly against Whimmick
policy. Celebrity citing at the joint meeting include Rafael Blimpston
(Pole Boy 1996), Demly Phornikaton (King of the Stud Muffins), and
Sheila Duya (1998 Clerical Worker for bigmembers).
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The bigmember
Band Tour Starts in Seattle
Johnnie Tubular,
Ronny Bottlebrush, Vin Headly and Carl Toolio head out from their
Palm Beach enclave March 30th to start their whirlwind tour of the
U.S. and Canada. Formed in the early 90's under the original name
of the "Mutant Fledglings," The Bigmember Band is now
a highly respected group of artists among the pop scene today. Lead
singer and spokesman Tubular stated "We are gonna give this
tour all we got so our music penetrates deep into the inner circles
of all the youths of America!" Tubular, born Jim Dorthener
in Saratoga, NY, was once taken under the wing of the noted blues
guitarist Arnie Arnenston. Arnenston died in a mini-helicopter accident
in 1975, when he accidentally flew the helicopter into his left
temple. Tubular and his group are known for a style that rises to
levels beyond grunge, but also have a large, hefty beat. Sometimes
referred to as Bag Rock by their fans, their music has been seen
on movie soundtracks and on TV commercials during the last year.
Their first gig of the tour will be at the "Telephone Pole
Lounge" in Reno the night of March 30th. Tubular stated that
"...we will be playing all our hits, including the wild rambling
ballad that has been topping the charts for 10 weeks...'My Timmy
is your Timmy.'" Tickets go on sale next week for 33.33 ea.,
and there will be a limit of 2 per person. A bigmember
certificate
will allow the individual to purchase 4. Proof of pole over 10 inches
will gain free entrance as usual at
bigmember
sanctioned
events. |
