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bigmembers Lawyer Defend Man in Thigh Poke Case

(bigmembers, NY Phillipe Bimboni) Diane Cattleworth, bigmembers Council, headed to court this week for the Grand Jury hearing involving the recent incident dubbed by the media as the "Thigh Poke Case." Diane is defending Johnny Carlo Greene, an itinerant eggplant farmer from Guam, presently living in a Detroit hostel selling ice cream stick puppets. Greene as you may recall, was arrested in June by Detroit City Police while standing in line at Bobby B's Big Dollar Store on 8 Mile Rd. A formal complaint was lodged against Greene by Fran Stuktugedder last month. Stuktugedder claims that while she was standing in the check out line of Bobby B's buying Gold Bond Powder for her flaky chest, Greene rammed a 12 inch erect member into her thigh causing as her lawyer Sven Grbltvm states: "...extensive, hemorragic, multiple, blunt force bruising that required physical therapy, medication....and caused her loss of work since she couldn't stand for 9 days."

Cattleworth says Greene was not forcibly moving forward at any time during the alleged incident, and there are witnesses to prove it. "Johnny was holding onto a case of Spam, when out of nowhere, it seems, Fran noticed that his member appeared completely at attention, when in fact, when flaccid, Johnny's prong normally looks quite stern." She continued, "Witnesses claim that Fran aggressively and continually backed up into Johnny's attachment, inflicting on herself the multiple blunt force bruises. We do not claim she wasn't bruised, but it was Fran that made the moves."

A witness in the store, Dr. Arongenon Dobblediddle saw the whole thing, "I was liked shocked man, like shocked, you know, like you know, shocked and like at the time, as I seen this lady jumpin' all over da place with her dress up and such, and banging into this poor guy who was buying some Spam and such, I was like, you know, kinda like wow, this is like weird."

If this case does proceed to trial, on the maximum charge of "use of a genitalia as weaponry," Greene can get up to 2 years in the Genital Ward of Sister Cravin's Monster Member Hospital in Denver. If convicted on a lesser charge of "Quasi Stab," he could see a year of community service, and prohibition from check out lines. His lawyer, and bigmembers council Cattleworth is confident, "Here is a guy that has a big one, and he goes out to buy breakfast and he is in a way sexually attacked. We are going to file charges of our own. Johnny is a gentile soul, and I just can't see him doing a ram job in a check out line. That just isn't his way.

To add to the log jam, rumors have spread among the courthouse that Cattleworth and Johnny Carlo Greene are actually engaged to be married.

Claims of Phallice Fraud Levied Against Logman By Micro-Member Founder

(RUBIG, Clarence Tabletoe) In what can only be described as shear pandemonium, the bigmembers enclave was shaken to its core this week as Micro-Member Founder, Kyle Wetsalitle, stormed bigmembers headquarters with a sworn affidavit. The affidavit, signed by a Joan Mukpudder, stated in part that ". . .Kent "Logman" Bennett, Vice President and cofounder of bigmembers, did wantonly and purposely mis-measure his member during the official bigmembership rally. . .Evidently, Ms. Mukpudder, a former court reporter/stripper, became privy to Logman's member size during a short stint as Logman's personal secretary. Mukpudder stated in the affidavit, "During a urination event, on July 12, 1998, on the site of the Old Moon Craddle Lake Jamboree, I personally did observe, in full flesh, Kent, also known as "Logman," hold onto his extension while urinating against a white birch tree at said location." Mukpudder continues, ". . .his member was like a little puny pickle, all squishy and mushy, and could not be considered large, even if this here 'ol lady was gone a strokin' it. I support a full re-measure of the member!"

The bigmember's team, along with Bennett are vehemently denying the charges, and have brought in famed semi-lawyer/Judge Peter "Member Justice" Cambell to reply to the documents. After a 12 hour closed door session, bigmember's President Brent "Gordo" Alpern and the Logman were seen leaving a back door to the bigmember's headquarters and hopping into their custom Jaguar. Confronted at the seen, Logman shoved a chocolate eclair into our camera lens and yelled, "Can't you ever leave me alone,!!! Who pays you,?!!! What did I do, I'm big, big...get that,? big, not small like you,!!! get out of my way tiny!" During Logman's vicious diatribe, this reporter was knocked to the ground and forced to view what would be described as a pretty large peter.

Police are investigating the assault at this time, and charges may be filed for the facial member intrusion. In a letter received today at our studios, bigmember's President Brent "Gordo" Alpern wrote, ". . .to the public and all bigmembers, and the Micro-Member world around us. . . What has occurred recently at bigmembers is a travesty, and is completely unfounded. I myself have seen multiple member measures done on Logman in the years I have known him. I do not have to lower myself to this Micro-Member slander, to prove that my dear friend and cofounder is massive unto himself. It would be unjust to adequately even qualify or respond fully to such false and frivolous charges. Just because 'small may have gall,' does not mean 'large is not in charge.' We will if necessary have a public measurement to settle the member matter once and for all." View video of the event and judge for yourself.

bigmembers, the International Group devoted to the member gifted was recently formed to provide member related information and news to the public. Already 10,000 members world wide, bigmembers has already won several prestigious awards, such as the French "Wobbly Big One Award," The Tasmanian "Giant Stick Award," the Appalachian "Dat Thang is a Crane Award," and of course the Forest Industry's big yearly award "Number One Log." We hope to present a follow-up story to this amazing situation as it expands. We contacted authorities today, and Officer Mark Markedman stated, "We are, and is, and will be, determining who, and what is, and who is, the perpetrator of the incidents that occurred, when the peoples that did this, if and when they were the ones, and what they meant by doing what they did, when they were doing what they were doing, when they did...and if they did. What I mean is...." This reporter hung up the phone.

Logman Livid In Low Blow As Gordo Uses Trademark Moniker!

(Carantagnia, Costa Rica) Putting a wider gap into the longtime friendship between our founders, Brent and Kent, the two may end up in court no matter what. Brent "Gordo" Alpern, posted information to the bigmembers message board using Kent "Logman" Bennett's famous moniker "LOGMAN." "It was stolen twice actually," Kent said from his Flamingo, Florida Mansion. "I am angry beyond any anger that has ever overtaken me. It is a large, strong, big, engorged type of anger," he continued. The full details of the story are still emerging, and as it stretches back to the States, this reporter will keep us all on top of the developing situation.