Lawyer Defend Man in Thigh Poke Case
NY Phillipe Bimboni) Diane Cattleworth,
bigmembers Council, headed
to court this week for the Grand Jury hearing involving the recent
incident dubbed by the media as the "Thigh Poke Case." Diane is
defending Johnny Carlo Greene, an itinerant eggplant farmer from
Guam, presently living in a Detroit hostel selling ice cream stick
puppets. Greene as you may recall, was arrested in June by Detroit
City Police while standing in line at Bobby B's Big Dollar Store
on 8 Mile Rd. A formal complaint was lodged against Greene by
Fran Stuktugedder last month. Stuktugedder claims that while she
was standing in the check out line of Bobby B's buying Gold Bond
Powder for her flaky chest, Greene rammed a 12 inch erect member
into her thigh causing as her lawyer Sven Grbltvm states: "...extensive,
hemorragic, multiple, blunt force bruising that required physical
therapy, medication....and caused her loss of work since she couldn't
stand for 9 days."
says Greene was not forcibly moving forward at any time during
the alleged incident, and there are witnesses to prove it. "Johnny
was holding onto a case of Spam, when out of nowhere, it seems,
Fran noticed that his member appeared completely at attention,
when in fact, when flaccid, Johnny's prong normally looks quite
stern." She continued, "Witnesses claim that Fran aggressively
and continually backed up into Johnny's attachment, inflicting
on herself the multiple blunt force bruises. We do not claim she
wasn't bruised, but it was Fran that made the moves."
in the store, Dr. Arongenon Dobblediddle saw the whole thing,
"I was liked shocked man, like shocked, you know, like you know,
shocked and like at the time, as I seen this lady jumpin' all
over da place with her dress up and such, and banging into this
poor guy who was buying some Spam and such, I was like, you know,
kinda like wow, this is like weird."
If this case
does proceed to trial, on the maximum charge of "use of a genitalia
as weaponry," Greene can get up to 2 years in the Genital Ward
of Sister Cravin's Monster Member Hospital in Denver. If convicted
on a lesser charge of "Quasi Stab," he could see a year of community
service, and prohibition from check out lines. His lawyer, and
council Cattleworth is confident, "Here is a guy that has a big
one, and he goes out to buy breakfast and he is in a way sexually
attacked. We are going to file charges of our own. Johnny is a
gentile soul, and I just can't see him doing a ram job in a check
out line. That just isn't his way.
To add to
the log jam, rumors have spread among the courthouse that Cattleworth
and Johnny Carlo Greene are actually engaged to be married.
Phallice Fraud Levied Against Logman By Micro-Member
Tabletoe) In what can only be described
as shear pandemonium, the bigmembers
enclave was shaken to its core this week as Micro-Member
Founder, Kyle Wetsalitle, stormed bigmembers
headquarters with a sworn affidavit. The affidavit, signed by
a Joan Mukpudder, stated in part that ". . .Kent "Logman" Bennett,
Vice President and cofounder of bigmembers,
did wantonly and purposely mis-measure his member during the official
rally. . .Evidently, Ms. Mukpudder, a former court reporter/stripper,
became privy to Logman's member size during a short stint as Logman's
personal secretary. Mukpudder stated in the affidavit, "During
a urination event, on July 12, 1998, on the site of the Old Moon
Craddle Lake Jamboree, I personally did observe, in full flesh,
Kent, also known as "Logman," hold onto his extension while urinating
against a white birch tree at said location." Mukpudder continues,
". . .his member was like a little puny pickle, all squishy and
mushy, and could not be considered large, even if this here 'ol
lady was gone a strokin' it. I support a full re-measure of the
team, along with Bennett are vehemently denying the charges, and
have brought in famed semi-lawyer/Judge Peter "Member Justice"
Cambell to reply to the documents. After a 12 hour closed door
President Brent "Gordo" Alpern and the Logman were seen leaving
a back door to the bigmember's
headquarters and hopping into their custom Jaguar. Confronted
at the seen, Logman shoved a chocolate eclair into our camera
lens and yelled, "Can't you ever leave me alone,!!! Who pays you,?!!!
What did I do, I'm big, big...get that,? big, not small like you,!!!
get out of my way tiny!" During Logman's vicious diatribe, this
reporter was knocked to the ground and forced to view what would
be described as a pretty large peter.
Police are investigating
the assault at this time, and charges may be filed for the facial
member intrusion. In a letter received today at our studios, bigmember's
President Brent "Gordo" Alpern wrote, ". . .to the public
and all bigmembers,
and the Micro-Member
world around us. . . What has occurred recently at bigmembers
is a travesty, and is completely unfounded. I myself have seen
multiple member measures done on Logman in the years I have known
him. I do not have to lower myself to this
slander, to prove that my dear friend and cofounder is massive
unto himself. It would be unjust to adequately even qualify or
respond fully to such false and frivolous charges. Just because
'small may have gall,' does not mean 'large is not in charge.'
We will if necessary have a public measurement to settle the member
matter once and for all." View video
of the event and judge for yourself.
the International Group devoted to the member gifted was recently
formed to provide member related information and news to the public.
Already 10,000 members world wide, bigmembers
has already won several prestigious awards, such as the French
"Wobbly Big One Award," The Tasmanian "Giant Stick Award," the
Appalachian "Dat Thang is a Crane Award," and of course the Forest
Industry's big yearly award "Number One Log." We hope to present
a follow-up story to this amazing situation as it expands. We
contacted authorities today, and Officer Mark Markedman stated,
"We are, and is, and will be, determining who, and what is, and
who is, the perpetrator of the incidents that occurred, when the
peoples that did this, if and when they were the ones, and what
they meant by doing what they did, when they were doing what they
were doing, when they did...and if they did. What I mean is...."
This reporter hung up the phone.
Livid In Low Blow As Gordo Uses Trademark Moniker!
Costa Rica) Putting a wider gap into
the longtime friendship between our founders, Brent and Kent, the
two may end up in court no matter what. Brent "Gordo"
Alpern, posted information to the bigmembers
message board using Kent "Logman" Bennett's famous moniker
"LOGMAN." "It was stolen twice actually," Kent
said from his Flamingo, Florida Mansion. "I am angry beyond
any anger that has ever overtaken me. It is a large, strong, big,
engorged type of anger," he continued. The full details of
the story are still emerging, and as it stretches back to the States,
this reporter will keep us all on top of the developing situation.