of the name "GORDO"
by Vinjo Vonjo
In my 1998 thesis
"Member lexicon and its Implications in Grammatical Trends
in Western Syntax," I investigated how and why, Brent Alpern
received the name "Gordo." First, as we might have assumed,
and previous researchers did, "GORDO" does not come
from the Spanish word for "FAT." This stunned our study
group and raised a bit of intrigue among the International Linguistic
Member Study Group as well. As it turned out, we traced the route
that the original name had taken from its first written use in
Tokyo in 1964 in the book "Missionary Tales and Members."
That is when our research really became interesting and deep into
the words origins.
Alpern was traveling with the Yokomoto Plate Spinners through
mainland Japan and several coastal Islands. Alpern at the time,
had left the U.S. and impending draft to spin plates....yes, on
his member. An international hit in Japan, Alpern lived there
for several years. On arrival on one of the small islands, Gujomi,
the Plate Spinners noticed that the natives (Flomos) lived a sustained
agricultural economy. They grew many unique, native vegetables.
One such vegetable, the Takimi, was a member of the pumpkin family.
The Flomos had no word for pumpkin, but early settlers and botanical
experts considered the long, tan fruit an edible gourd.
The story goes on.
Two missionary woman, Anna and Flecka Squeezastones, may have
had a relationship with Gordo while he was on Gujomi. The head
minister of the mission, a native Takimian called "Doc Ratyi,"
was suspicious of the tempestuous liaisons. One day, he chose
to spy on Alpern on his nightly urination walks into the jungle.
That is when he caught site of Alpern's member as he removed the
protective native ceremonial sheath to urinate. There it was.
Giving up his hiding place in a coconut palm, Doc Ratyi so stunned
at what he saw, yelled out "GORDO!!!!!" Apparently thinking
he was viewing a huge gourd protruding from Alpern's belly. The
entire village was awakened by the harrowing scream. Within a
day all villagers were calling Alpern "GORDO."
From there it made
it into mainland Japan, across the Eurasian borders, into Europe
by 1972, and into the U.S. by 1980. A time line of the migration
patterns of the term can be read in its entirety in my new novel
based on the thesis work entitled "Cultural Names of Members,"
by Johnson Bros. Press.